Failbook

Facebook. You'd have to say that it's doing pretty well recently. It's quite popular now. Sort of. Ok maybe it's bigger then I am letting on. But with this friend/stalker helper comes some very strange, awkward and funny people. In fact, I have magically conjured up a list of the different types of Facebookers using my brain, some algebra and red jello.

The Detail Killer - This person pretty much spams up your whole wall with posts like 'Eating breakfast' and 'Chucking a dump'. This breed is closely related to the Twitter species.
Sympathy Searcher - Apparently, these people's lives are worse than cancer. They love attention and feeling like someone actually cares. 'My life is an endless void' and 'Won't the pain ever stop?' are two popular phrases of this type. Also known as Emobookers.
The I-want-to-be-friends-with-all-of-Facebook - These guys are the masters of the mouse. A professional IWTBFWIOF can add up to sixteen friends a second. Sometimes, if they are desperate, they will delete you as a friend so they can add you again. Facebook's new tools that help you find friends is like life support to them.
The Grammar POW - The Grammar Prisoners of War are one of the most frustrating. They feed off txt speak and incorrect punctuation. Grammar Nazi's are on the constant lookout if they have a Grammar POW as a friend. Their posts range from 'Your awesome' to 'man ders nutin 2 do 2day'.
The Weirdos - These guys don't usually post anything, rather they just read your posts and constantly look at your photos. You may start up a conversation with them and they will mention something you posted a year ago. That's creepy.
The Twitcher - Unlike many other Facebook users, when away from a computer they don't feel the need to touch it. But when they happen to stumble across an open internet page, they will post up to 100 musings an hour, to fill you up on their lives. They then retreat and come back in a month or two.
The Hesitant - This person is badgered into making an account by their friend or family member, and will post something once a year. Profile picture never changes.
The Paparazzi - This person tends to be a party animal, attending many functions and taking pictures every five seconds. Doesn't tend to post too much, and lets their photography do the talking. Adds pictures constantly and can have up to 500 photos on their profile, many of which include pictures you never knew were taken of you.
The Confuser - This person will often have posts such as 'It's always there' or 'Was he right?'. These obscure posts often frustrate people and lead to angry comments. These people attempt to sound mysterious, but they're really kind of weird.
The Smoker - Named after a smoker's addiction, this person suffers withdrawal symptoms if they haven't logged into Facebook for longer than 24 hours. They will often buy a phone that has Facebook capability even if there is nothing wrong with the other one. They don't necessarily constantly update their status but are always available for Facebook chat. They will answer on Facebook more often then their home phone.
The Gamer - Spams your wall with updated on their Farmville, Mafia Wars and any other (s)hit Facebook game achievements. Sends constant requests to join in on their 'fun'. Receives either love or hate from friends.
The Awkward Parents - No need for an explanation.

So now you know the different kinds of people on Facebook. You probably already knew this somewhere in your brain, but it's better to see it in writing. It is likely you will have one or more of these people as a friend, so try to avoid them. Unless you like them. Good luck with that! Now, off to stalk some people.

For some Facebook Fails, visit www.failbooking.com

Maybe It's Not Right

Ok so I've thought it over, and I've realized that my world domination plan isn't working. So, after careful deliberation while watching some executions, I have decided to terminate my quest for world domination. Yes I hear you asking about who will give you free slavery now, but I think it is for the best. Now, now, do not cry, it was your fault in the first place (refer to previous post). I shall now move onto an even more exciting prospect; blogging the ramblings of anything that comes into my brain. There are some strange things happening up there.

I've finally completed my New Year's Resolution list, albeit slightly too late. Here are my New Year's Resolutions:
1.Do not have any New Year's Resolutions
Well, that wasn't the greatest of starts. Oh well, I guess I'll have better luck next year.

I must ask that you prevent this blog from becoming like my world domination plan. A failure on (your) my behalf. Please help me keep motivated by sending this link to more people so I can feel loved after my recent world domination setbacks. I am not used to being a lowly human being like you. If you like it, send it to 10 people, and if not then send it to 20 people. Otherwise you may find yourself waking up dead. If that's possible.

P.S. Just like to give a shout out to the guys at www.theshiningmonkey.blogspot.com whose link is in the sidebar. Those guys are pretty funny, so check them out while you're here.

You're Failure

It has come to my attention that I am not world leader. This displeases me, and so I plan to punish you all for you're insignificant existence and failure to elect me as the new world leader. Since I am still a civilian (a superior civilian to you), I cannot enforce my power upon you, although I can offer some hurtful comments.

You are stupid and no one loves you.

You will now be crushed under my attack and feel emotionally empty and worthless. This is what happens when the true leader of the world is forced take alternative routes. I am unsure why i am still not world leader, what with all of the promises for free executions and slavery. Dying and working in my honor is the best way to live your life, so begin now! I will now go and feed my pet dinosaur.

The Benefits of Slavery

Are you sick of your 20 hour a week job? Are you sick of your pay? (when I say this I don't refer to the minimal amount, but rather the whole idea of getting paid).
This is just one of the many problems in life that I, your superior will succeed in alleviating.
From the moment I take power, I will enforce total slavery. Everyone will be lucky enough to work for me, with a minimum of 22 hour shifts, of hard labor (and not so hard labor).

Yes,yes, I hear your pleas and chants of , "We Want More" (note- when you said this i ignored the word "pay", and have interpreted it as "work"). But unfortunately, limited supply (Advanced economic crap you dumb asses wont understand) has led to the minimal 22 hours.

But don't panic, as world population drops unexpectedly after my seizure of world power, there will be an excess of working hours, and you may be lucky enough to work a whole 26 hours a day.

As you read this short article, an overwhelming joy and relief would have dominated your emotions, and hence more reason to vote for me, or for that matter, die in honor for my cause. (this death will incur as a result of violent force used if "democratic" voting doesn't work)

(You know what, I'm sick of these brackets, are you that stupid that I need to explain every word (A sound or a combination of sounds, or its representation in writing or printing, that symbolizes and communicates a meaning and may consist of a single morpheme or of a combination of morphemes)).

Next Step

In which ever way I seize power, certain principles will be enforced, by me, your superior, in order to make sure life is as good as it can be.
I will introduce certain "things" (sorry, couldn't think of a better word), that may seem foreign to you, yet, they will bring you happiness and hope.
One such "thing" is the total abolishment of a quality many of you would despise, one that when referred to brings a shiver down the spine. Yes, I'm talking about freedom. ~Shiver in Spine~
Freedom, as many of you would know is quite likely the most negative of man kinds inventions. (Interesting Fact, Jack Freedom invented freedom, CURSE HIM).

I have a simple theory to show you that freedom sucks.
If, from birth everyone was locked up in a prison, would we have crime? NO.

I bet your sitting there, nodding your head in agreement at such obvious flaws of this "freedom", but for the minority of you who disagree you have 2 options.

1- Call me and book an all expenses paid execution (note- Limited stock)
2- Find your nearest bridge.

The Future Leader of the inferior you, Mark

Remember, Stop Freedom, Stop Crime.

The Campaign Begins

So I was sitting there yesterday, thinking. The world needs a new leader, one which can do all the things anyone ever wanted, like introducing free, compulsory slavery, and similarly exciting aspects to everyone's useless existence.
So I came up with a simple solution, I could some how be voted supreme leader of the world. So I have therefore set up a campaign for my (definite) election in the year 2011. I know your sitting there thinking, a whole year, well yes, we cant rush into such significant events. I know you're excited, with the free slavery and all, but for this ingenious plan to work, you must endorse my campaign.
Please feel free to view the campaign posters, which are imaginary. Each poster, is essential to my democratic election as supreme leader of the world, and therefore have a simple, non-forceful, subtle message, which all simply translate to "Please Vote For Mark, Because he loves you".
So if your looking for something more in the future, Vote #1, Mark for supreme leader of earth. (I'm being serious, you better vote for me, don't get me started on all the things we have planned for those of you who don't vote for me.)